


Dating Confessions Anonymous.com

by Artemis_Dreamer



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, FrostIron - Freeform, Humor, IM Chat, Lonely Hearts, M/M, Misadventures, Mistaken Identity, Nonsense, Romance, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-01
Updated: 2013-06-01
Packaged: 2017-12-13 15:39:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/825932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artemis_Dreamer/pseuds/Artemis_Dreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which our favorite couple is separated on Valentine's Day. Cue one internet chat-room and a game of honesty, complete with amusing aliases.</p><p>Ribs are broken, lingerie is worn, and secrets are told to the wrong person for all the wrong reasons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dating Confessions Anonymous.com

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: This was written for marierock13's Drunk Fiction Challenge.
> 
> That is to say, I wrote this while incoherently drunk. In addition, the only editing done the following morning was for clarity and grammar/spelling. Dialogue, plot events, and premise have not been altered.
> 
> This is your only warning.

Valentine’s Day was supposed to be a time spent with loved ones, with your beloved one. There was one couple, however, the couple that had sparked the biggest scandal to hit Manhattan in fifteen years, that would be spending the evening apart. Anthony Stark, the billionaire genius who ran the massive Stark Enterprises empire and spent part of his time as the hero “Iron Man”, would be alone tonight. His lover, Loki Laufeyson, better known as the crazy god who had blown up half the city with an alien army (and finally changed Anthony’s playboy ways), would be similarly alone.

On opposite sides of the city, the two men were logging on to a website where neither would admit to spending time. It was dating-confessions-anonymous.com, a website to visit when one needed to bitch about one’s significant other, and then be subsequently reminded of how lucky one was to have anyone at all.

Loki, known to the Confessions crowd as Lonley_Trick343, was holed up in the waiting room outside the NYPD commissioner’s office, typing on his StarkPhone as he waited for the man (who was now two hours late) to show up and discuss SHIELD’s request to alter his house arrest status.

Technically, not the time (or place) to be looking for a chat partner with whom to bitch about said NYPD ruining his Valentine’s Day. 

Tony, who those on Confessions would know as Playboy_of_my_Dreams, was currently just seconds from plunging headlong into battle alongside the rest of the Avengers, against one of the freakiest monster hordes to terrorize the city this week.

Really not the time (or place) to be looking for a chat partner with whom to bitch about Manhattan’s monster problem ruining his Valentine’s Day. 

(Yeah, the middle of a potentially deadly combat situation. REALLY not the time.)

Ah, fuck it. It wasn’t as if either man cared much about what was and was not a good idea.

\---

There seemed to only be one other user on the website’s chat application tonight, Tony noted. Some girl with an avatar of a small black kitten; username Lonely_Trick343. Well, might be good for a quick distraction. Ordering JARVIS to bring up her profile page on the suit’s HUD, he brought said suit around in a smooth turn, keeping half of his focus on the three-storey, fire-breathing lizard. 

“Read it to me, Jarv.”

The basic details were skimmed over –she was one of the ones who had taken advantage of the full anonymity option, meaning no posted name, age, location, or even gender. (But come on, a kitten avatar? Guaranteed chick.)

Her profile was similarly empty, except for the “relationship summary” portion.

Switching to a generic female speech pattern, JARVIS read the information aloud to the supposed-to-be-fighting-for-his-life Iron Man.

“The one that I love is both younger and wealthier than me. If I wasn’t so vain, I might even admit that he’s possibly more intelligent as well. We started off on the wrong foot, and even now, all of his close friends, his business partners, and the firm that he consults for – they all distrust me. I deserve it, though; I’m an ex-con (there, I said it).”

Holy flowery bullshit, Batman. Tony smirked and dodged a gout of flame as his AI continued to read, but he had to admit that despite the sappy tone, it did sound like this girl had quite the relationship. Still, who in their right mind would go for a jailbird?

“He and I have been seeing each-other for more than two years, but every day is still a blessing. He works late, has odd hours, thinks with his libido more often than his mind, and I swear that his liver is on its last legs. Honestly, I wouldn’t change a single thing about him.”

Geez. Someone was clearly putting up with a jerk. (Of course, Tony either did not see or would not acknowledge the parallels to his own life). A quick twist of the suit through the air, dodging a sweeping tail, before launching an answering volley of repulsor blasts. 

The rest of the team was tied up with the half-dozen mini-versions of the lizard monster, so here he was, taking on the love child of Godzilla, a gecko, and a toucan… err, maybe one-too-many parents there. 

“Every day, I swear that I wake up to a new present from him; it would be wonderful, if it didn’t feel like a horrid guilt-trip. He buys me a sports car, and I’m barely even a competent driver. He buys me a watch that costs more than a year of my rent, and I don’t even have a job so that I can pay him back. I love him, forever, and he is the most charismatic man that I have ever met – still, I wish that he would grow a clue and realize that I might feel inadequate in the face of his lavish gifts. If I want something, he should understand that I will ask for it.”

Well this was new, Tony mused. A girl who actually felt guilty about getting everything that a gold-digger could ever dream of?

“Suffice to say, he’s perfect (and he knows it). I don’t deserve him.”

Well, at least the chick could see that. A lot of the girls flocking around rich men really couldn’t. Tony ought to know, given his history of 438 (439?) one-night-stands and 63 short-term girlfriends. 

Well, that seemed to be that. Meh. A typically bland, guilt-ridden girl who was head-over-heels for a rich jerk – a jerk who overcompensated for a lack of emotional attachment with ridiculous and demeaning presents. Perfect. 

Executing a neat backflip out of the way of a claw-full of raking talons, Tony went over the typical (feminine) speech patterns he used on DCA.com. Then, he gave the order.

“Jarvis, sign me in to the chat, and take dictation.”

Worth a shot, right?

\---

Flipping through the three new messages in his Confessions inbox, Loki jotted off a few quick replies, before opening the application that he actually cared about. 

Sure, some polite ex-girlfriend-bashing discussion with Oh_my_Captain, Whipped_by_the_Widow, and My_Boyfriend_teh_Monster was always amusing. However, he swore he would be on the verge of blowing the entire city block sky-high out of sheer frustration if he didn’t have someone to vent to in the next five minutes.

Ah. A dinging sound indicated that the chat room had loaded. 

He could not help the faint disappointed sigh when he realized that only one other user was online tonight. 

Sure, Playboy_of_my_Dreams might be a perfectly nice individual, but Loki rarely got along with the first person he met – on a typical lonely night he would go through several five-minute conversations before finding the person with whom he would message the night away.

Well, might as well view her profile page, in hopes that there might be at least some shred of compatibility. The fact that her avatar was the periodic table entry for Iron (Fe)… well, that did not exactly stand as a beacon of hope.

Reading over her details, he noted that she had taken advantage of the website’s anonymity feature, meaning that she had not posted her name, age, or her location. Her gender had been set as “none of your business,” which almost certainly confirmed his assumption that she was female (and that she was severely lacking in either maturity or manners).

Scrolling past her “personality” information, which had included the phrase “absolutely flawless”, he made his way down to her “relationship summary”.

Quirking an eyebrow at the conversational tone of the writing, he began to peruse it.

“So, hi to whoever’s reading my bulls***. I’m one of the lucky ones, because I’ve found the perfect boyfriend. And when I say perfect, I mean perfect. He cooks for me, will do half my work for me if I promise him sex, and even puts up with me ranting about all the techie crap I work with. Yep, lucky.”

What a charming attitude, Loki smirked. He could not help but wonder where this decidedly vulgar woman had found a man willing to bend over backwards for her. He pitied any man who reduced himself to being a complete pushover for the sake of a woman. 

(He studiously ignored the fact that he often made gourmet dinners for Anthony, and would regularly assist his work when adequately persuaded.)

“We’ve been a scandal for two years, three months and sixteen days. Yeah, I could probably get it down to the minute if I wanted to – I can do anything I want, and he damn well knows it. He’s the first real long-term relationship I’ve ever had, because he’s the only one who hasn’t been out to mooch off of my fame.”

The woman was apparently some sort of small-time celebrity, it seemed, and far more arrogant than her (doubtlessly minor) fame could justify.

“I don’t know why, but when I see him looking down, I would give him anything to make him happy. That’s the one way he isn’t perfect – he gets so depressed when you bring up his family. Whatever. It’s not my fault that his daddy didn’t love him. I do, and I hope that he agrees that the f***ing Rolex and the Lamborghini prove it. You know, he just has to feel loved with a forty-thousand-buck watch on.”

Loki smirked more broadly as he read this paragraph. Clearly, this woman was trying to buy happiness for her significant other rather than really trying to address his family problems. 

Certainly, a gift was a good first step (after all, he was currently wearing the fantastically expensive Rolex that Anthony had given to him), but meaningful discussion would be the only real solution.

“It sounds like the cheesiest thing ever, but I love him. More than one-night-stand love, more than I’m-drunk-and-you’re-handsome love. My a**hole friends all hate his guts, but I love him, and I want to keep him. Hopefully forever.”

Hmm. She appeared vapid and selfish, but there was some real sentiment here. It would be worth a shot, he supposed. Taking a deep breath, he eased himself into the mortal persona that he tended to use on DCA.com. 

Exhaling patiently and wondering when exactly that infernal cop would finally arrive, he selected the “sign in” option.

It was worth a shot, right?

\---

Both men watched as the chat log appeared, the conversation beginning.

“Playboy_of_my_Dreams has signed in.

Lonely_Trick343 has signed in.”

Well, this was it, Loki supposed, chatting to an unknown other while alone on the supposedly most romantic day of the year. This was karma for something, but for what? (Well, other than several centuries of mischief-making and rabble-rousing, as well as an attempt to conquer a realm.)

P_D: “Wow, someone else is on, and on V-day no less. Sucks to be us, huh?”

Tony broke the ice in his typical obnoxious fashion, reckoning that this girl would be so desperate to talk that she wouldn’t mind.

L_T343: “I suppose it’s less than acceptable.”

P_D: “You write like a total stiff, you know?”

L_T343: “Oh really? I hadn’t noticed. Would you care to actually chat, or would you prefer to simply snipe insults at me all evening?”

Loki poured on a fair measure of sarcasm as he typed his reply. This woman seemed rather unpleasant, but this chat was a legal alternative to large-scale city destruction. His options were limited, and he’d take what he could get… oh dear Odin, that had been a demeaning thought.

P_D: “Ah, we can chat. Lighten up, ‘kay?”

L_T343: “Certainly. So, we may as well begin with the obvious. Why are you alone on a day like this?”

The billionaire was taken aback by the blunt question, pausing for a moment before dictating his response through JARVIS. He hadn’t expected this one to have a backbone. 

P_D: “My boyfriend’s at the cop shop, trying to talk down his sentence (again). Besides, my friends are having this big deal downtown, and they wouldn’t want him around. So, why are you alone?”

L_T343: “Mine has work tonight, and he’s unfortunately too dedicated to skive off on my account. Even though I promised dinner and roses.”

P_D: “Ungrateful, much?”

L_T343: “Me, or him?”

P_D: “Him, genius. Who turns down something like that from their girl?”

Tony gave a rueful grin as he dictated this last statement, knowing full well that he had actually done just that – he had (unwillingly) turned down Loki’s dinner invitation in favor of a battle versus several thousand pounds of dumb, green, and ugly – no offence, Bruce, he was talking about the lizards.

L_T343: “Him, apparently. Honestly though, is it wise for us to be complaining about our loves?”

P_D: “Why wouldn’t it be? I mean, we’re on DCA.com on f***ing Valentine’s.”

L_T343: “Because the fact that they aren’t with us is beyond our control. Besides, isn’t the point of today to remember why we love them?”

The trickster was being honest there. He’d rather spend the evening discussing what had made Anthony special to him, rather than all of the reasons why he was embittered with Anthony. It would be best for him, and for their relationship (especially considering that the latter, more spiteful, option would likely result in his lover waking up next to a six-foot tarantula tomorrow). 

P_D: “Fair enough. So, swap sex stories?”

Loki blushed vibrantly. Of all the –

L_T343: “Not quite what I meant. What say we play Confession? We each offer up little truths that we’ve never confessed to our boyfriend – the one who bows out first is the loser.”

P_D: “I do know how to play Confession; I wasn’t born yesterday. So, you first, goody-two-shoes.”

All right, that had been a tad mean.

L_T343: “All right. I take my phone to bed with me every night that we’re apart, just in case he calls.”

Loki confessed this easily, and it was every inch the truth. He had come to appreciate Midgardian technology for the sole reason that it could bring him that much closer to his lover.

P_D: “Oh, so we’re playing tame? Fine, I can do tame. Some nights I can’t sleep, because now that I’ve found him, my life is finally better than my dreams.”

Sappy, but honest. (Though, his coffee consumption may also have been a contributing factor.)

L_T343: “I wouldn’t even trade him for anything in the world, even a lifetime supply of chocolate cheesecake – contrary to what he thinks.”

Tony smirked as JARVIS relayed this, lazily dodging another gout of flame. The monster wasn’t trying at the moment, and more importantly, he had more evidence that chocolate cheesecake was the universal girlfriend weakness. Loki (who would flay the billionaire alive for thinking of him as the girl in the relationship) was absolutely addicted to the stuff, and sometimes Tony swore that he would rather have cake than sex.

Still grinning, he relayed something that he would never dream of telling his oftentimes-greedy lover.

P_D: “I would give him every last penny I have, if it would make him happy.”

The trickster gave a wry grin at that response, wondering how he might convince Anthony to show him such generosity. The clock on the wall of the office now read 9:38 pm. The commissioner was two hours and eight minutes late.

L_T343: “I wish that I could personally destroy every man and woman who has ever harmed him.”

P_D: “No matter if his older brother kicks the s*** out of me, I’ll still love him; he’s worth the broken bones and bruises.”

L_T343: “I’m jealous of his ex-girlfriend.”

The billionaire raised an eyebrow at this, amused. Women were so insecure sometimes – after all, Tony had known Pepper for years longer than he had known Loki, and yet there was no jealously there, right? (Well, he’d have to get back to you on that one, since he was currently dodging chunks of torn-up pavement.)

P_D: “I wish that I knew his four children better.”

L_T343: “He is the only one stopping me from going back to my destructive habits.”

P_D: “Probably because he’s never asked, he’s the only person that I’d ever consider changing for.”

L_T343: “I loved him even before I had relations with him.”

The billionaire stifled a laugh as he heard that one. “Relations”. Exactly who used euphemisms like that? Of course, being Tony, he just couldn’t let it pass. Hence his reply;

P_D: “Out of Game for a sec: is that stick too far up your ass to let you say the word “sex”?”

L_T343: “Out of Game: No, but I see no reason for vulgarity. Continue.”

Well wasn’t she just no fun. Tony pouted childishly, caring more at this point about the conversation than about the killer lizards that were kicking the collective ass of the entire Avengers team.

P_D: “Fine. Back in game. He’s the only person that I’ve ever actually liked getting drunk with.”

L_T343: “He was the first person to have successfully gotten me intoxicated.”

That was remarkably true – the metabolism of a god was such that it had taken Tony’s entire mini-bar worth of hard liquor to get Loki anywhere near drunk. What had happened after said intoxication was achieved had truly been the stuff of legends (and of police training manuals). 

P_D: “I get antsy about safety when he stays out late – everyone else’s safety.”

L_T343: “Very funny. I wish that he had a less perilous line of work.”

P_D: “I wish that I could stay with him forever, even though I know that I’ll die a long while before he does.”

L_T343: “OoG: I’m sorry to hear that – terminal disease?”

Tony sighed, trying to word a response as he finally got a lucky shot in and sucker-punched the massive lizard brute in the eye. The reason he would die so much sooner than Loki was because he suffered from the one disease that was invariably fatal. It was called “being mortal”.

P_D: “OoG: You could say that, yeah.”

L_T343: “Apologies. In game again: he’s the one who gave me the courage to begin another committed relationship after my previous disaster.”

P_D: “I wish that he knew that I’m not always as strong as I pretend to be.”

At this point, both common sense and a lizard monster slapped the inventor across the face. Yes, this was an anonymous “dating confession” chat site, and he was probably talking to some chick who lived on the other side of the world. No, no-one else would ever know about any of this. But still, it was no excuse. He was not supposed to get all soppy and self-deprecating just because he was alone.

Alone. In mortal danger. On Valentine’s Day. 

Alright, so he had an excuse. As he was about to order JARVIS to sign him out of the chat so that he could be soppy in private, said AI read out a jaw-dropping response.

L_T343: “Every night I pray that the next morning, I will have the courage to propose to him.”

Loki had tapped the send button without so much as thinking twice. Someone was listening, on the worst day of this largely-miserable year. Someone that he would never meet - he might as well keep on playing, and this was where the game had led.

Tony was stunned. Clearing his head with the help of another slap from Mr. Scaly Reptilian Death-Machine, he gave his own (earnest) reply.

P_D: “Honestly? I want that courage too.”

The response took several seconds to arrive, but when it came, it was the two words that the trickster utterly loathed using.  
¬  
L_T343: “You win.”

P_D: “Sweet. Game over, Playboy takes all.”

The inventor was trying to pretend that he wasn’t happy that he had just beaten some unknown (probably teenaged) girl, at a game of telling secrets, while alone on Valentine’s Day. Ah dammit. He was actually happy.

L_T343: “Indeed. You know, I never did catch your name.”

Tony hesitated for a moment. Ah, why not. The truth was stranger than fiction in this case, so no-one would actually believe it. Crossing his fingers and discarding his dignity (and his DCA.com persona), he replied.

P_D: “Think of the last person you would expect to be on this website on Valentine’s Day. Then catch the US Channel 38 News. Chances are, your guess was off. I’m front and center, getting filmed live as I get the s*** kicked out of me by a three-storey Godzilla reject.”

There, he had said it. Besides, talking to this chick could practically be classed as therapy. He’d told her nearly everything else, so why not this?

Loki mechanically opened the news application on his StarkPhone, even though he now knew exactly who it was on the opposite end of the conversation. The details from the profile, the attitude, the scope of the secrets in their conversation. 

Yes, there it was. A live video feed of downtown Manhattan, where Iron Man was locked in mortal combat with what Loki recognised to be a Lindwuurm. (Of course, Tony’s useless Avenger compatriots were nowhere to be found). 

There were two ways to approach this. Act innocent and claim not to know who he meant, or act amused, and pretend that he believed the statement was a joke – and oh dear lord, that tail had just barely missed his lover’s body. His pretense was dropped in an instant as he typed a frantic reply.

L_T343: “Anthony, for the love of Odin! You clueless mortal! Log out of this application and get your mind back into the battle! I would prefer that my lover not be smeared into a chunky paste on the filthy, gum-spattered sidewalks of New York!”

He could see the blurred form of Iron Man start with surprise a mere second after he sent the message. Well, there went the last vestige of hope that believed that it had actually been a joke. 

P_D: “Holy S***! LOKI?!”

Tony practically forgot to keep his repulsors flight-level as the person on the other end of the conversation revealed himself to be his mischievous lover. Aww Christ. Had he seriously been spilling his guts to Loki this entire time? Fan-tucking-fastic. 

“Jarv, switch to Loki’s speech patterns for the readout. Also, remind me to get Reindeer Games spectacularly drunk tonight. With any luck he won’t remember this.”

“Of course, sir.” The AI responded dryly. “And may I suggest dodging to the left?”

Ah hell, incoming lizard.

It was about then that his lover messaged him back.

L_T343: “Indeed Stark, it is I. Were you expecting someone else? Victor Von Doom, perhaps?”

P_D: “Not funny, Doe Eyes.”

Oh, if he thought he could get away with it, Tony would be using much, MUCH stronger words. Frankly though, he actually liked sex, and also liked all his organs in their original positions. Still, the urge was incredible, because the chances that Loki hadn’t been stringing him along were… pretty good, actually.

L_T343: “Of course it isn’t. After all, don’t you have a battle to be fighting at the moment?”

P_D: “Ah, I can fight giant space lizards in my sleep.”

Of course, the second that Tony said this, he took a full blast of flame, tiny alarms going off on his HUD as minor suit components overheated.

L_T343: “Unless you want that sleep to be eternal, I’d suggest paying more attention to your opponent.”

All right, now Tony just had to know, had to get a bit of honesty out of the Silvertongue before he became lizard lunch.

P_D: “Did you really mean all of that stuff just now?”

L_T343: “Every word.”

There was no hesitation in that reply. There was no indication that Loki was lying, and that was because he wasn’t. Well, there was the surprise proposal out of the bag, even if a “yes” was almost guaranteed.

P_D: “Look, I’ll have this BS wrapped up in five. Then I want you, me, in the penthouse, naked.”

L_T343: “To be rewarded, I presume?”

P_D: “No, to be f***ed senseless for sharing secrets about us on the internet. Still, gotta say that you’re cute as f*** when you’re being candid. You should try it more often.”

Yes, Tony fully intended to give his lover a thorough fucking that would leave him limping for a week. There would also, however, be a small matter to be discussed. A matter that begun with “p-” and ended with “-roposal”. The billionaire had a call to make to get a certain emerald engagement ring fast-tracked. 

L_T343: “We’ll see which one of us loses our wits first, lover dearest. Also, compliment acknowledged.”

(Acknowledged, but not accepted. A deity was never, ever supposed to be regarded as cute.)

P_D: “Now, for the obligatory Valentine’s Day cheese.”

L_T343: “Oh, I’m looking forward to this.”

Yes, Loki was most certainly sporting a stunning smirk at the thought of what Anthony was about to say in his forthcoming message. As much as said billionaire loathed saying them, these three words were absolutely intoxicating to the trickster. 

P_D: “I love you.”

L_T343: “I love you more.”

Oh yes, the mischief maker was not above dragging this out for a moment.

P_D: “Goddammit. You know I love you most.”

L_T343: “Ultimatums are cheating, Anthony.”

Both parties smirked at that one – as if either man had ever played fair.

P_D: “You know what’s cheating, Frosty? The username Lonely_Trick343. That, and the kitten avatar. Where did you even get that thing? Stock photo?”

L_T343: “And your excuse for “Playboy_of _my_Dreams” is?”

Gritting his teeth, Tony groaned in frustration. He’d pretty much forgotten about the battle raging around him, dodging the monster half-heartedly and parrying with repulsor blasts while waiting for the rest of the team (read: his flunkies) to finish off the mini-me spawn and give him a hand. 

P_D: “You know what? F*** it. You, my bed, now. Use your magic teleport-thingy.”

L_T343: “And a Happy Valentine’s Day to you, my mortal lover. I’ll be over promptly. Also, you may want to do something about that mage directly behind you.”

The billionaire whirled as the AI read this aloud, only to come face to face with the asshat who had summoned these reptilian pests in the first place. Face to face, but only for a split second, before a blast of concussive energy from said spell-slinger’s hands sent him flying back through a window, two brick walls, and a line of laundry, before depositing him against a fence. 

(Seriously, hanging out your laundry? Who the hell didn’t use dryers nowadays?)

P_D: “Ow.”

Loki was alarmed by the turn of events, but was amused in equal measure. Hence his reply;

L_T343: “Do you still require a lover tonight, or would you prefer a medic?”

Tony smirked at the comment despite the shooting pains arcing through his ribcage. The suit was fantastic, but it would still shatter its wearer’s own ribs into splinters if driven hard enough through several walls.

P_D: “Whichever one is less of a smarta**.”

Well, if that didn’t reassure his lover, nothing would. It was only when the Stark snark went M.I.A. that one had to truly worry about his health.

L_T343: “Neither, then.”

P_D: “Lokiii…” 

The trickster could practically hear the familiar whine in Anthony’s response, and it amused him to no end. Perhaps a tad of mercy would be in good taste.

L_T343: “I will be waiting for you in the medical bay. With roses. Kindly tell SHIELD to stand down.”

P_D: “Charmer. (And yes.)”

L_T343: “As always. Would you expect anything less from a god?”

His arrogance was nearly palpable, though both men knew full well that it was meant in good fun. Anthony’s response, however, crossed that thin blue line.

P_D: “Smug son-of-a-b****.”

L_T343: “You know that I speak the truth.”

P_D: “Yes, because you’re always right, Lord Loki.”

Oh yes, Tony’s words were dripping with sarcasm, and though Loki’s vanity was tempted to ignore that fact, they deserved an apt rebuttal. Oh yes, there was only so far that he would tolerate any mortal’s insolence, even if said mortal was his lover of two years’ time.

L_T343: “The patient is delirious, I see.”

As the trickster wrote his response, he could see plainclothes-clad SHIELD agents on the StarkPhone screen moving towards his lover with a stretcher, and in the picture-in-picture he could see his half-wit brother sending the whole lot of the monsters back to Helheim with a dash of well-placed lightning.

About damn time, frankly. The glory of battle meant little when it resulted in crippling injuries (that could have been avoided had one simple action been taken twenty minutes earlier).

P_D: “Very funny, Lokes.”

As the mischief-maker received the message, he could at last hear the footsteps of the inexcusably late commissioner approaching the office. A full two hours and thirty minutes late. No, Loki did not intend to indulge the petty mortal after this sort of slight.

The green flames of a teleportation spell flickering around his fingertips, the trickster sent his lover one last message.

L_T343: “Very funny indeed. Expect your personal deity in three seconds, wearing lingerie.”

“Lonely_Trick343 has signed out.”

P_D: “Loki, you promised! Not in public again!”

P_D: “LOKI!”

“Playboy_of_my_Dreams has signed out.”

\---

What followed was three dozen SHIELD agents getting a not-entirely-unwelcome eyeful of the (gorgeous) lace-and-leather clad trickster, and Tony proceeding to fuck him thoroughly on a hospital bed while six nurses giggled and pretended not to listen outside the door. 

The proposal discussion was postponed to the following day, having been quite honestly forgotten in the heat of the moment. 

It had been a thoroughly atypical (and some might say “crappy”) Valentine’s Day, complete with broken ribs, many things said to the wrong person for the wrong reasons, and Anthony having to share the sight of Loki in a leather corset and thigh-high stockings with a bunch of undeserving SHIELD mooks.

Ah well. They were together, and decidedly not on dating-confessions-anonymous.com. That should count as a plus in anyone’s books. 

Loki and Tony, having injury sex, when Fury barged in.

Okay, so maybe this Valentine’s Day would go down in the books as a crappy one after all. (Or maybe the look on Fury’s face would be worth the whole fiasco, especially when recorded by JARVIS in high definition.)

\---

Oh, and the proposal?

Loki said yes.

(And still insists that he is not the girl in the relationship.)

\---

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> So, thank you VERY much for reading that endless tirade of nonsense. It seems that I tend to write at great length when intoxicated.
> 
> I'm aware that most of the message conversation is (thinly-excused) OOC, and that the whole idea is utterly bizarre. Still, I hope that you at least got a smile or a laugh out of it.
> 
> Any opinions or comments would be much appreciated.
> 
> (Oh, and Marie? You owe me ten bucks.)


End file.
